the in-between.

"I love people. Everybody. I love them, I think, as a stamp collector loves his collection. Every story, every incident, every bit of conversation is raw material for me. My loves not impersonal yet not wholly subjective either. I would like to be everyone, a cripple, a dying man, a whore, and then come back to write about my thoughts , my emotions as that person. But I am not omniscient. I have to live my life, and it is the only one I'll ever have. And you cannot regard your own life with objective curiosity all the time..." -SYLVIA PLATH (from the unabridged journals of sylvia plath)

One of my favorite things to do is to write down other people's thoughts...It's like being in someone else's shoes-- I'm thinking the thoughts they were once thinking. And yet, my perspective is still distinctly different, and I am placed in between my thoughts and theirs. Nonetheless, I love being welcomed into this mystery of finding where in the core of their being, where their thoughts come from. Alas, I never know if I make sense. I do know thatAbba's thoughts are higher than mine, and "as the heavens for height and the earth for depth, so the heart of kings is unsearchable" [Proverbs 25:3]. His depths are unfathomable, but He invites me to search Him, and promises me that He would let Himself be found.

Returning to the idea of "in-between," I enjoy that place, it makes things exciting and at the same time terrifying. Exciting because I'm anticipating what's next, but also terrifying because it causes me to lean. And isn't that exactly what Jesus calls us to? haha

On other things... here is a peek into my life currently:

this is fall.

a certain Somebody took me rowing in a boat.

Revelation of the week: It is a miracle for people to love.

To the Moon.

All of creation is telling a story. [Forgive me, if I've worn out this concept all too much. It's something I can't run away from, this story continues to draw me in, again and again.]

These past few weeks I've been watching the moon. I'm always looking for the full moons, so fun. There's something in my heart that receives so much joy when I catch it, especially when it's rising. It bears much meaning to me. It signifies something more than a just a floating celestial body in the night sky, it's actually a picture story. Do you know it? Have you been listening to her tell her story? Let me tell you about it:

When I've watched for her, sometimes she's waning and other times she is waxing. She sometimes can't be seen. The Moon isn't always whole. She is crescent at one time, then a half of herself, and then almost full. And my eye catches her most beautiful state when she's fully herself, when she's Mrs. Full Moon. Yes, I've decided she's married, married to the Sun.

Do you get it? The Moon personified is humanity, and the Sun is both Father God and Bridegroom Jesus. We have first been invisible, dead, darkened. As soon as we enter into the place of encountering the Sun, or rather Son, we begin to reflect that. In the process of time, we are changed, and more and more we become whole-- changed from glory to glory till that day when we we see Our Creator face to face, and we are seen most fully ourselves. We return to our first image, our intended state of being: like God. Notice I said state of being (no longer becoming).

We are the Moon reflecting the Son. This is the glory of creation, to make known the beauty and splendor of the Father. And in the dark of night, we can too be a light to those groping in the shadows.

What's more, Abba is faithful to prepare the Bride for His Son, and she will mirror her Maker, the Master Craftsman. We shall walk in fullness. Oh Glory. Renew us, and make Your Bride, Your Church, look like You so that we could better love the Son as You love Him.

Jewish blessing of the Moon:

Praised are you, O Lord our God, King of the Universe, who created the skies with his word, and all heaven’s host with the breath of his mouth. He gave them appointed times and roles, and they never miss their cues, doing their creator’s bidding with gladness and joy. He is the true creator who acts faithfully, and he has told the moon to renew itself. It is a beautiful crown for the people carried by God from birth (Israel), who will likewise be renewed in the future in order to proclaim the beauty of their creator for his glorious majesty. Praised are you, O Lord, who renews new moons.

And Quote

I hope and wait for the day that my study begins to translate itself into worship. I want to learn, not for learning's sake, but so that I can then more fully be able to worship.

I read an excerpt from a C.S. Lewis book that I thought to share. So good.

“When I attempted a few minutes ago, to describe our spiritual longings, I was omitting one of their most curious characteristics. We usually notice it just as the moment of vision dies away, as the music ends, or as the landscape loses the celestial light… For a few minutes we have had the illusion of belonging to that world. Now we wake to find that it is no such thing. We have been mere spectators. Beauty has smiled, but not to welcome us; her face turned in our direction, but not to see us. We have not been accepted, welcomed, or taken into the dance. We may go when we please, we may stay if we can, no one cares. Now, a scientist may reply that since most of the things we call beautiful are inanimate it is not very surprising that they take no notice of us. That, of course, is true. It is not the physical objects that I am speaking of, but that indescribable Something of which they become for a moment the messengers. And part of the bitterness which mixes with the sweetness of that message is due to the fact that it so seldom seems to be a message intended for us, but rather something we have overheard. By bitterness I mean pain, not resentment. We should hardly dare to ask that any notice be taken of ourselves. But we pine. The sense that in the universe we are treated as strangers, the longing to be acknowledged, to meet with some response, the bridge some chasm that yawns between us and reality, is part of our inconsolable secret.” (C.S. Lewis from The Weight of Glory)

standing still

[let me be in a country land where only beauty grows]

till then, I'll stand and watch You set this into motion,

bringing back beauty again

this is my prayer

King of Glory and all that is Good: Jesus. Father. Friend. I ask that You simply breathe in me today. I pray for the willingness of my own spirit and soul to let You in. Oh let me not suffocate Your Spirit breathing in me. Help me to love you better because You love me so well.

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, to God our Savior, who alone is wise, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever. Amen." Jude 1: 25

Ah, I have such a good God, who is faithful to transform me into His image... He will shape me so that He will not find one spot, not one blemish in me. Such a good reminder: that He does this for me, and my meager efforts to discipline myself are actually counterproductive. Ok, so please, grow in me God.

Whew, now I can breathe better.

a moment of metropolis

New York is just one of those cities that is simply photogenic... there's so much to see there, so much detail that is missed if you're not paying attention. Me and my family went a couple weeks ago, and oh was it wonderful!

One of my favorite parts of our trip was when we were scurrying through the subway, and we heard these musicians playing some flute-like, wooded instruments. What struck us as we were passing through was that the melody that was building was reminiscent of a WORSHIP song! I believe it was, He is Holy. A couple feet ahead was a street preacher who was speaking on the reality of a Creator God who actually speaks to us. I got chills all over and even felt like I could have gotten saved again. haha The presence of Jesus was there no doubt! His talk was not marked by condemnation, but, in my mind, his talk was likened to John the Baptist who knew of a Kingdom that was coming...

It was such a short second in our trip, but still, of everything we'd seen and experienced, that moment was a comfort and an inspiration for us. I am thankful.

[the Empire State building! my sister & my mum]

[hello vested man]

[the train. they call it "the train" instead of "the subway" in nyc]

[taxi! in Time Square]

[let your light shine. this was actually taken back home,

in a thrift store, finishing off the rest of the summer]

[this is at Ten Top. he sat by the window

& I thought it was a picture perfect moment]

summer in summary

Today is the first Wednesday of Fall semester, and as I look back on this past summer, I see that it has been marked by this consistent sense of longing. It's been a season of longing to know and be known, to see and be seen, and to give and be given. In this never-ending cycle of trying to satisfy this longing, I have found one thing to be true:

The longing in our hearts are actually purposed to draw us to the Father.

I am drawn away. Jesus opens His hands and satisfies the desire of every living thing [Psalm 145:16]. I eat and dine from the very palm of His hand. How humbling...

My sister was sharing with me the other day about how everything in life is sustained by giving and receiving, without this exchange...we just wouldn't be. She explained how even in our breathing we are constantly having to exhale, give, and inhale, receive. It's the physical reality revealing the inward nature of man, that also reflects our Beautiful God who gave His life and who will then, one day, receive the reward of His suffering.

I love that. I want my life to have this natural exchange of giving and receiving, and I want it to be as easy as inhaling and exhaling-- it's just so refreshing, "a breath of fresh air," if you will.

Oh God, I surrender all my desires to You Jesus, and I say that I'm willing to have all that You desire for me now in this season. If that just means drawing closer still, then let it be.

On a lighter note: I soon will be posting some photos from my family's trip to NYC, and maybe a photo or two of a weekend retreat with Intervarsity. Yippee!

until then

Summer is coming to a close and I'm still not sure what to make of it.... hopefully words will form soon. Until then, here are some photos of the past few days:

[we went on a photo excursion!]

[...and we found this quaint spot][This was part of someone's yard, so we made sure
we went unnoticed. sneaky sneaky, I agree][ole urban buildings that have been through the test of time...][A railroad crossing with the most beautiful blue backdrop! This was
along our walk to the restaurant after an Acts29 conference]

Root Bear

One extravagant chain saw dance move goes to camping last weekend in the mountains! If only we wore plaid and grew beards would the feeling of manliness be more complete. haha The fact is, we survived, despite the pseudo-carcass we encountered on the way to our campsite.

[The story: we were driving through the mountain, and went up up up trying to find a good spot. My sister lets us know that there are monster bears that hang out all around the same mountain we're tryin to camp out at. Thanks for lettin us know sis! We got to a point where we just thought we were at the wrong place, and boom! We see this huge dead thing in the middle of the road, and we freak out because it looked like a dead eaten up animal and its bones. Nope, just a dead branch with leaves all over. That's all. ha ha ha jokes on us!]

[deer caught in headlights. & that actually happened many times that night] [bringin the fiyah! ah, can't wait till we do this again]

The following day I got to see my good friends get married! Hannah and Jake. It was such a beautiful and magical night, complete with fireworks at a barn. Wish I could have gotten some photos of the Bride&Groom but none turned out. Anyhow, meet 2 of my friends:

[hi there Carra][oh hey jonsey]

AndToday.

I helped my dad make some fig jam. Oh boy! When I was rinsing off the jars and sat them on the kitchen counter, I noticed that our harvest is plenty! We've got big bowls full of tomatoes, pears, okra, and other veggies that I don't know the name for. Kind of exciting, don't you think?!

____________________________________________________________
On a more meaningful note:

Last night at Big House, while we were worshiping I was so touched by the willingness of the Lord to break us in order that He could heal us and make us more whole than we could have ever imagined Him to. He is the Restorer and He revives us, makes us newer than new. How good is He? Reminds me of Gomer.

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
will bring her into the wilderness,
and speak comfort to her.
I will give her her vineyards from there,
and the Valley of Achor as a door of hope;
she shall sing there,
as in the days of her youth,
as in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt."
Hosea 2:14-15

I will lean, and lean, and lean. And then I will fall, and fall, and fall again in Love.

repost: on shutting up

I don't know how I stumbled on this blog, but i read it and it's everything that I'm going through, and articulated really well, so here's a repost of it by http://timandbrookecollier.wordpress.com/

on shutting up
i’m getting a little tired of hearing myself talk lately. i’m not feeling wise or profound or salty. i’m feeling bland and dull… and actually relatively unsure about almost everything right now apart from the pressing feeling that my Father is working something deep in me that can’t yet be articulated.

i used to think of my blog, though i feel silly admitting it, as a fountain of emotional transparency paired with spiritual depth and insight. i wrote for myself, and i wrote what was true, but i think i thought i was doing you (readers) some sort of small service by my writing. whether or not that is accurate, i’ll let you determine.

but i’m running out of things to say. i’m silenced by the mystery that life is right now; the mystery that God Himself is in the midst of it. I’m a bit tired, truthfully, of working to chase down my Life Calling and to walk in step with the Spirit. i’m certain that it’s not supposed to be that tiring (“my yoke is easy and my burden is light. you’ll find rest for your souls,” He said), which means i’m doing something wrong. i know Him well enough to know that He will not lose me. but, still, something is off.

the remedy? to pray more, to concentrate on hearing His voice, to get into circles of fellowship that will challenge me, to worship with other people, to take a retreat? well, most of that feels like more striving. so, i’m opting to shut up instead. to shut up with the internal dialogue AND with the verbose musings.

my prayers these days are more about the posture of my heart than the words i speak (or don’t). but i’m praying. in fact, i know that He’s near right now and doing something vital. but i’m just at a loss for words.

posts for a little bit here will probably be “shallow” and focused more on ordinary day-to-day things.

_____________________________________________________

So, some day-to-day things: photos from July Fourth Weekend

[...every sinner has a future]
[a bit grainy, but other than that, I like it, this was
after a dance party we went to //fan plan//
oh and this is not me, it's my sister, get it straight][sabbath afteroon at ze church for lunch munch,
and despedida for the missions team][paparrazzi shot at guitar center][she's old and fat, her name is Charka. I met her
at the Fil-Am festival, she has short legs, and likes to sit][mi familia celebrates another young one into the fold
at a buffet. it's the only way to party really btw, the
prego cousin-in-law isn't in the pic, nor is the new popz]

creating space for the spirit

"Oh how important is discipline, community, prayer, silence, caring presence, simple listening, adoration, and deep, lasting faithful friendship. We all want it so much, and still the powers suggesting that all of that is fantasy are enormous. But we have to replace the battle for power with the battle to create space for the spirit." Henri Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak

It's been about 29 days since Spring semester 2010 has ended, of which, upon ending, 29 days of summer has since passed. And in those 29 days, I've found myself... bored. Out of boredom, I've cooked, tried new recipes, did some sewing, some reading, gardened a bit-- all of which has been very enjoyable. I'm happy that I can catch up on my little hobbies this summer, except for the fact that doing all the things I love alone can sometimes be... well, lonely. Nonetheless, it's rewarding. I enjoy the presence of Jesus in my time of pleasant loneliness, probably because I know I'm not alone.

I have to admit, I do miss having a community of people who provoke me to love Jesus more. But I guess that's why God sometimes brings us into wilderness, to walk in the unity of the triunal God, in His family. It's been about a year, and I'm still learning to be wholly satisfied... still praying for the Lord to bless my friendships, pray with me? Yeah? =)

So, in my plight of summer survival, I realized how drunk I've gotten off of the spirit of this age. I was made for more, and my disillusioned heart will no longer believe in the lie that binds me to what will inevitably turn to dust. Rather than being cynical and believing that it is impossible to live and walk in the fullness of God, I dare to put on faith that speaks of hope alive in Jesus, who makes all things possible for me. I want to seek what is more enthralling than the pleasures of this world, to seek.. Jesus. Because there is nothing boring about You. So Jesus, would You awaken my soul yet again, let love be awakened as You have desired it. Amen and Amen.

Let this summer be about loving You, creating space for the Spirit yet again and again, so to love You with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength.

my day.

I recently realized the beauty and value in blogging and journaling what we do in a day. For the longest time, since when I started online journaling, I had this immense disgust for solely blogging about how your day was, and what you did. To me, it was all... crap. To me, it was stupid and pointless--- self-centered really. Who would care to read a blog if it only talked about what you did? But I've been reading a few blogs that did just that, and I find myself appreciating their little ramblings about their day.. it's like seeing the world from their own eyes while simultaneously hearing the thoughts that go through their head.

Often times, I think I should only blog and journal if I have something worthwhile to write, only if I have something valuable to share: life lessons, thoughts, pains, the highlighted joy at the time. But in these past few days of grieving over loved ones, I've realized life is too short to be selective with what I recount. I want to look at my life and absorb whatever is in this place God has set me in. I mean, when you think about it, history is fascinating and could have only been appreciated if someone was writing it down. Thus, from this point forward, I would like to intentionally call myself a scribe, one who writes down what has been unfolded before them.

Here's my first attempt:

Today was my grandma's funeral. The night before she died was the hardest for me... the viewing and funeral were not as emotional as I thought it would be (but my lack of emotions may have been due to the fact that I don't know how to act around so many people.. like how do you greet your cousins, who you met for the first time, at a funeral? Do you smile? I just don't know)

My family came in late for the memorial service (we're stuck in filipino time, always late). We had walked in the middle of my Unlce Ferdi's speech, followed by my cousin Erika. One thing that stuck to me was their little footnotes about the relationships within their family. Uncle Ferdi recollected how Grandma Lina hated how the family would fight, and Erika shared how, last Christmas, when the whole family was together, there was a sparkle in Grandma Lina's eye, glazed from tears, and she said, "I am proud."

As I'm recalling all of this, I'm reminded of the night before Grandma Lina died. My Auntie Teri told me that Grandma hated it when the door to her room was closed. When she was sick, she always wanted the door open so she could hear all the noise.

After the memorial service, I know one sure thing about my Grandma Lina: that she loved love, especially the love within family. I'm sure that she wanted to hear noise because she loved the proximity of family, of people, the nearness of loved ones. That was her joy.

So I also got to spend some time with cousins and family who I haven't seen in a long time after the funeral. The sight of their faces makes my heart leap and I'm drawn immediately into an embrace. I just want to know them, and I hate every wall that is walled up simply because I don't see them often. They're part of my family, and I find it my right to know them... God I pray you let me know them, and that you let me love them this way.

Amidst all of this, my thoughts have also been flooded with the tears that come from grieving with my sister. This past week, her friend died and my heart is moved at how much of an impression he left on this earth. It isn't his good works that continues to resonate with the people he knew, it was his love. He loved well. My sister had known him for a short time, and had quickly come to love him as her brother. She'd told me stories about him before he died, and so hearing about his death shocked me.

Whenever she would tell me things about him, I could see something change in my sister. I could tell she was so touched by the love he so freely gave, so much so that it even changed me... You could tell that he was so transformed in the love of Christ, that it was able to expand, reach out, and grip my sister's heart, that it then translated itself into my sister's stories, and touched me, a third party. Wow.

I was reading one of his blogs, and he quoted Dostoevsky: "To love [someone] is to see them as God intended them."

I really like that quote.

And I really could keep talking about Love forever, and even if I did, my ideas of love would still be diminished. It's just so real and enlivening. It frees people, and it heals them too.

I want to love deeply every second of my life.

RIP Grandma Lina, and Matt King.

Food for Thought.

You either trade your life all at once, or you trade it one day at a time over the course of decades. Either way, you trade it for something.
"What will you trade your life for?"
-Neue Magazine, The Reproducing Church

I didn't have much care for this article, but it's initial question struck me, and stopped me from reading any further. What am I willing to trade my life for? More appropriately, what have I already traded my life for? ...What is it that I've given myself to in this life?



If it's for nothing, then all of this is in vain... how terrible would that be?

Oh! The illusions of this world are SO convincing! This idea that momentary pleasure actually lasts for eternity?? Uh, no. No. To live for the whims of this life, in this side of eternity, would be living dead: dead in the inside. I don't want that.

..just some thoughts.
[I should be working on 2 major papers right now... haven't started, yikes!]

I don't usually listen to the Pope.

Tomorrow is the start of Lent. And although I'm not Catholic, I'm praying about participating in it, but not for the mere act of attempting to purify myself from my own sins [Jesus's blood is enough to do that] but so that:

“Through fasting and praying, we allow Him to come and satisfy the deepest hunger that we experience in the depths of our being: the hunger and thirst for God.”
 – Pope Benedict, Lenten message, 2009

Good one Pope Benedict! Like.

The Lord giveth and He taketh away.

[A blog entry I never posted Dated: November 26, 2009]

1. The end is near.
2. Jesus is coming.
3. All things are temporary.

These three things have led me to me to this internal struggle that I just need to get out there. The reality that everything that my own hands have established on this earth can be swept away in an instant has been becoming more real to me. It's almost scary. It could all be GONE. This next instant.

Understanding this gives me motivation to leave everything if it's not going to mater in this next instant. I want to know the goodness of the Lord in the midst of trial and tribulation before it happens. Now I understand Job's story.

And so this lifestyle of giving is rooted out of the love and compassion of Christ, as well as the full trust and confidence in Christ who sustains, and that nothing belongs to me, nor will my things remain for eternity.

The Lord giveth and He taketh away.

My first blog of 2010.

It is 2010, the year of the LORD's favor.

This semester will be the start of a year of steady prayer at ODU. How exciting it is to partner with the Lord in this hour! For so long, many hearts have yearned for the Lord's closeness upon our campuses here in Virginia in real and tangible ways... and I think for many who have labored many years in prayer, there comes a doubt that hangs over them, questioning, "Really God? Will it be this year?" And as much as I can see this as another opportunity to doubt the Good Lord... I really can't. In light of what He's already been doing, I just can't...

It has only been 2 weeks and we've seen on average 10 people come to Noon prayer every day. One day we hit about 15 people! It's not the number that encourages me, it's the fact that there is an apparent campus-wide desire for the Lord to rest on ODU. I went to Intervarsity on Monday, and to my surprise and without much warning, the entire message for the first large group lead up to encountering Jesus through prayer. They made an intentional announcement about Noon prayer too! The second day of school, a passer-byer stopped to join the prayer huddle, only to find himself asking Christ to fill him and receive salvation! How can one not be encouraged???

I must be transparent though, I've been experiencing both fear and excitement over this new year. My fears are summed up in the fear of not being able to really carry this... the fear of failure- will I be able to carry a sustained well of living waters for both myself and my campus? I don't want to find myself falling more in love with ministry and the move of God than the Person of Jesus. And while my fears weigh heavy on me, my excitement lies in the fact that God is going to work regardless if I'm with Him or not. He doesn't need me.

This movement is a movement of God's heart and Spirit upon us that no man can fabricate.

There's just this certain kind of expectancy for what He is about to do. And I am literally on the verge of shedding some tears because the words and prayers that have been sown into faith this past year are slowly reaping forth dreams realized. And it has only been the first few weeks of school!!

The other night, as I was washing my hands, I looked in the mirror and saw my face. Upon scanning the mirror, a popular phrase came to me: face of change. The students who will choose to stand on behalf of our generation possess the face of change. It is the face that beholds the most Beautiful One, Jesus, that is the face of change. That just as we are changed from glory to glory, so He will set His Bride on display, and so She will lift Him up, and He will draw all men unto Himself.

On some personal things (my apologies for all this writing, I'm temporarily out of a journal, so I'm writing here):

My life is somewhat good right now. There is nothing so terribly wrong and bad going on in my life that could be counted as a trial or suffering. I mean, there are a few things... but nothing that would directly affect me and my walk with the Lord. I got good grades last semester, invited to join the National Honor Society, I've been making friends here, I have my many choices of food at home (in contrast to the limited food available for me to eat while away from home last year), I've had the privilege to pray and fellowship with people often, and I'm seeing the Lord move on my campus, and yet I feel this insurmountable weight of heaviness and even exhaustion to the point that I don't want to be around anyone. But I don't understand why...

I've had people speak into me this past week too. Through their kind words, the Lord has been reaffirming to me that I am His choice possession. So comforting when you realize your inadequacy as a leader, that despite my short comings, He still desires that He use me.

Faith, a new friend and sister, shared with me how a few months ago the Lord led her to a ceratin scripture that mentioned rams. Out of that scripture, the Lord had told her that someone from VCU (vcu rams) would be ministering to her... and then He reminded Faith of me. So encouraging to know I am where He wants me to be!

He's been reaffirming to me the season that I am in: wilderness. He's promised to make this wilderness, this wasteland, a Paradise, an Eden. Even as the Lord had been speaking to me about this season these past months, during a spontaneous prayer session on campus, the Lord had given us a literal vision of palms trees next to a dump... He makes the wilderness an Eden.

Through prayer at ODU there have been countless prayers made asking for signs and wonders, for the Gospel to be preached - all the things that have been declared already by other people who do not go to ODU, even before this semester even started. Lord, how faithful You are to Your promises! Let the Gospel be heard, and may signs and wonders come to woo the hearts of students at ODU!!

Again, things are good. There's even a set of friends who I have been making real relationship with from Big House Church, and they're such beautiful people, inside and out. Last Monday we met together to read scripture, worship, and fellowship. We all ended up praying for one and another and the Lord began to pour it down on us!! Holy Spirit was so tangible. haha

He is doing much, and yet again, I still find myself burdened in my spirit.

Why?

I do not know.

I'm led to think it may be the result of loneliness. It's strange to think that one could still be lonely even in the midst of family and friends... But maybe it's just that: I am meant to be alone in this wilderness so I can be wholly bound to my Father and Him alone. Even still, I think my yearnings for friends has propelled me to be so open to share with so many people that I empty myself out just waiting for them to become vulnerable just as I feel I have been... leaving me more empty when they do not respond to my openness in the way I expect them to. It's so hard. But I'm not offended, it's supposed to be this way. It's the season for loneliness.

Though I'm experiencing this exhaustion and striving in having friends, the Lord has been so gracious to provide them for me... while the praise is set on my lips, I feel this aching and groaning within my belly, and I can't silence it. What is this? I long to laugh again. I long to just be. I'm tired of the selfishness of sin, of always thinking about myself... of always thinking ourselves greater than others.

I want to live life with no expectations from anybody but just to love! I physically ache for an authenticity that comes from really knowing Jesus so that I can really love just as He loves, so I can be just as He is.

Thank you Lord that You do not leave us a orphans, that those who mourn shall be comforted! Lord, let my joys be simply to be near you. Nothing else.

Through all of this, I'm beginning to see many prophetic words come to pass. About a month ago, someone had a word that I would be going through the fire but to take heart. Maybe this burden is supposed to be comforting? That again, I am where I am supposed to be? If so, do what You want to do in me God. Fire puts me in awe... and it's usually in the fire that I am most fascinated by You because You preserve my life - where the burdens are light and the yoke is easy, where abundance still remains in the life that I do possess. I still love You, and I still want more of You! Just wanted to tell you that God! =)

He came so that I could have life and have life more abundantly, right? I'm realizing that abundance and fullness was not meant to be enjoyed for the sake of pleasure, but enjoyed so that when coupled with affliction and longsuffering, hope is still alive. It's funny...the more I pray more grace, I get the feeling as if I will have to die more... does that make sense? The lower I let myself go, the more I receive His grace to live it, and the more I ask for more grace, the more He gives strength to my feeble knees to get even lower. This is because the hinge of history is the bended knee. I want to live free so others can be released into freedom. And so history is changed because of a few changed people.

Oh this season is not over yet but I'm on my way to the Promised Land, I'm on my way to Paradise. For now, I want to honor this season and what He has for me while here, I want it all.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, and whose hope is the LORD. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; But its leaf will be green, And will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit.

Jeremiah 17:7-8