The Lord giveth and He taketh away.

[A blog entry I never posted Dated: November 26, 2009]

1. The end is near.
2. Jesus is coming.
3. All things are temporary.

These three things have led me to me to this internal struggle that I just need to get out there. The reality that everything that my own hands have established on this earth can be swept away in an instant has been becoming more real to me. It's almost scary. It could all be GONE. This next instant.

Understanding this gives me motivation to leave everything if it's not going to mater in this next instant. I want to know the goodness of the Lord in the midst of trial and tribulation before it happens. Now I understand Job's story.

And so this lifestyle of giving is rooted out of the love and compassion of Christ, as well as the full trust and confidence in Christ who sustains, and that nothing belongs to me, nor will my things remain for eternity.

The Lord giveth and He taketh away.

My first blog of 2010.

It is 2010, the year of the LORD's favor.

This semester will be the start of a year of steady prayer at ODU. How exciting it is to partner with the Lord in this hour! For so long, many hearts have yearned for the Lord's closeness upon our campuses here in Virginia in real and tangible ways... and I think for many who have labored many years in prayer, there comes a doubt that hangs over them, questioning, "Really God? Will it be this year?" And as much as I can see this as another opportunity to doubt the Good Lord... I really can't. In light of what He's already been doing, I just can't...

It has only been 2 weeks and we've seen on average 10 people come to Noon prayer every day. One day we hit about 15 people! It's not the number that encourages me, it's the fact that there is an apparent campus-wide desire for the Lord to rest on ODU. I went to Intervarsity on Monday, and to my surprise and without much warning, the entire message for the first large group lead up to encountering Jesus through prayer. They made an intentional announcement about Noon prayer too! The second day of school, a passer-byer stopped to join the prayer huddle, only to find himself asking Christ to fill him and receive salvation! How can one not be encouraged???

I must be transparent though, I've been experiencing both fear and excitement over this new year. My fears are summed up in the fear of not being able to really carry this... the fear of failure- will I be able to carry a sustained well of living waters for both myself and my campus? I don't want to find myself falling more in love with ministry and the move of God than the Person of Jesus. And while my fears weigh heavy on me, my excitement lies in the fact that God is going to work regardless if I'm with Him or not. He doesn't need me.

This movement is a movement of God's heart and Spirit upon us that no man can fabricate.

There's just this certain kind of expectancy for what He is about to do. And I am literally on the verge of shedding some tears because the words and prayers that have been sown into faith this past year are slowly reaping forth dreams realized. And it has only been the first few weeks of school!!

The other night, as I was washing my hands, I looked in the mirror and saw my face. Upon scanning the mirror, a popular phrase came to me: face of change. The students who will choose to stand on behalf of our generation possess the face of change. It is the face that beholds the most Beautiful One, Jesus, that is the face of change. That just as we are changed from glory to glory, so He will set His Bride on display, and so She will lift Him up, and He will draw all men unto Himself.

On some personal things (my apologies for all this writing, I'm temporarily out of a journal, so I'm writing here):

My life is somewhat good right now. There is nothing so terribly wrong and bad going on in my life that could be counted as a trial or suffering. I mean, there are a few things... but nothing that would directly affect me and my walk with the Lord. I got good grades last semester, invited to join the National Honor Society, I've been making friends here, I have my many choices of food at home (in contrast to the limited food available for me to eat while away from home last year), I've had the privilege to pray and fellowship with people often, and I'm seeing the Lord move on my campus, and yet I feel this insurmountable weight of heaviness and even exhaustion to the point that I don't want to be around anyone. But I don't understand why...

I've had people speak into me this past week too. Through their kind words, the Lord has been reaffirming to me that I am His choice possession. So comforting when you realize your inadequacy as a leader, that despite my short comings, He still desires that He use me.

Faith, a new friend and sister, shared with me how a few months ago the Lord led her to a ceratin scripture that mentioned rams. Out of that scripture, the Lord had told her that someone from VCU (vcu rams) would be ministering to her... and then He reminded Faith of me. So encouraging to know I am where He wants me to be!

He's been reaffirming to me the season that I am in: wilderness. He's promised to make this wilderness, this wasteland, a Paradise, an Eden. Even as the Lord had been speaking to me about this season these past months, during a spontaneous prayer session on campus, the Lord had given us a literal vision of palms trees next to a dump... He makes the wilderness an Eden.

Through prayer at ODU there have been countless prayers made asking for signs and wonders, for the Gospel to be preached - all the things that have been declared already by other people who do not go to ODU, even before this semester even started. Lord, how faithful You are to Your promises! Let the Gospel be heard, and may signs and wonders come to woo the hearts of students at ODU!!

Again, things are good. There's even a set of friends who I have been making real relationship with from Big House Church, and they're such beautiful people, inside and out. Last Monday we met together to read scripture, worship, and fellowship. We all ended up praying for one and another and the Lord began to pour it down on us!! Holy Spirit was so tangible. haha

He is doing much, and yet again, I still find myself burdened in my spirit.

Why?

I do not know.

I'm led to think it may be the result of loneliness. It's strange to think that one could still be lonely even in the midst of family and friends... But maybe it's just that: I am meant to be alone in this wilderness so I can be wholly bound to my Father and Him alone. Even still, I think my yearnings for friends has propelled me to be so open to share with so many people that I empty myself out just waiting for them to become vulnerable just as I feel I have been... leaving me more empty when they do not respond to my openness in the way I expect them to. It's so hard. But I'm not offended, it's supposed to be this way. It's the season for loneliness.

Though I'm experiencing this exhaustion and striving in having friends, the Lord has been so gracious to provide them for me... while the praise is set on my lips, I feel this aching and groaning within my belly, and I can't silence it. What is this? I long to laugh again. I long to just be. I'm tired of the selfishness of sin, of always thinking about myself... of always thinking ourselves greater than others.

I want to live life with no expectations from anybody but just to love! I physically ache for an authenticity that comes from really knowing Jesus so that I can really love just as He loves, so I can be just as He is.

Thank you Lord that You do not leave us a orphans, that those who mourn shall be comforted! Lord, let my joys be simply to be near you. Nothing else.

Through all of this, I'm beginning to see many prophetic words come to pass. About a month ago, someone had a word that I would be going through the fire but to take heart. Maybe this burden is supposed to be comforting? That again, I am where I am supposed to be? If so, do what You want to do in me God. Fire puts me in awe... and it's usually in the fire that I am most fascinated by You because You preserve my life - where the burdens are light and the yoke is easy, where abundance still remains in the life that I do possess. I still love You, and I still want more of You! Just wanted to tell you that God! =)

He came so that I could have life and have life more abundantly, right? I'm realizing that abundance and fullness was not meant to be enjoyed for the sake of pleasure, but enjoyed so that when coupled with affliction and longsuffering, hope is still alive. It's funny...the more I pray more grace, I get the feeling as if I will have to die more... does that make sense? The lower I let myself go, the more I receive His grace to live it, and the more I ask for more grace, the more He gives strength to my feeble knees to get even lower. This is because the hinge of history is the bended knee. I want to live free so others can be released into freedom. And so history is changed because of a few changed people.

Oh this season is not over yet but I'm on my way to the Promised Land, I'm on my way to Paradise. For now, I want to honor this season and what He has for me while here, I want it all.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, and whose hope is the LORD. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; But its leaf will be green, And will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit.

Jeremiah 17:7-8