This was an old blog I wrote probably 3 months (May 9th to be exact) ago I never posted but I feel like it's so relevant to the mix of emotions I'm feeling now. So here it goes, enjoy as I bear my heart with you all =)
I behold the eyes of a King. They burn like a fire with desire, desire!
Lately the LORD has been laying a desire on my heart for humility. To be in a place to serve Him as my Husband. Ah, being wrecked by being brought low...it's painful sometimes. And it's a desire for humility not because it's what we're called to do, but because I've been gripped by love. It's not a front, it's not insincere, nothing false. He's shown me that to the humble, He teaches them His ways, and He's allowed me to see it in other people clearly [and it's so beautiful]. In these last few months I've seen the LORD convicting me by showing me that I do not have humility, and I want it. I want it bad. It's this humility that puts me in a place where He enlarges my heart to carry more... Ah, break me down God. Break me, that I'd completely lean on you.
There's a scripture that describes this conviction very well:
Ezekiel 16:14- 16
And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign LORD. " 'But you trusted in your beauty and used your fame to become a prostitute. You lavished your favors on anyone who passed by and your beauty became his. You took some of your garments to make gaudy high places, where you carried on your prostitution. Such things should not happen, nor should they ever occur."
Ezekiel talks about Israel as she begins to trust in her own beauty. And as I was worshiping last night at the prayer furnace, He gave me this picture of a woman and her Husband who is a King. This woman was spotless, without blemish. She had the full attire of a Queen, one who had been endowed with honor and beauty. In this picture, I saw her latched onto the arm of her King, but the thing about all of it was that while the King stood there with all majesty and meekness, she, being the exuberant wife she was, wore the most extravagant smile ever, waving to everyone who was around, as if she was with a celebrity. She acted as if she had owned him, and that His Kingship made her a celebrity as well. Her eyes were fixed on those looking at her. But that is not love, for love does not boast. It isn't proud. Love keeps eyes on the Lover. And as I saw this picture, the LORD spoke to my heart. He told me that this was a picture of me and what I've been doing all along... I've lost my attention from His gaze, and I've turned them to those around me. It's when I begin to compare myself and covet other things that I become a harlot who trusts in her own beauty. It's when I ask to walk in the gifts out of the intentions to be some amazing woman of God is when I begin to be what Ezekiel 16 talks about. I was not meant to hold Him up as a trophy but to literally hide myself in Him; to not only glance, but to gaze into His eyes; to look with wonder and awe at the most Wonderful One; to go into the reservoir of who He is and honor Him in being hid with Christ. Taking His Name is not for me to become famous with Him, but to make all the more His Name famous. It's for Him to simply enjoy me because I now am His, I've taken His Name! This is humility in love: to be so fascinated by His love and who He is that we begin to honor Him by hiding ourselves in Him. And out of that comes an adoration that is enough to move us to abide, obey, and surrender. Leaving no room in my heart for myself enlarges the tents for more room for more of Him.
