from this sacred space

There's a Hebrew word, makom, and it means sacred space; I'm attempting to live from there, from that sacred space of divinity that feeds the soul, and speaks to the heart, mine and yours - to live as if the universe has been declared to me. Lofty I know, and so other than, it almost seems like an improbable endeavor. But, I assure you friends, it is not. I listen for it all the time, and it happens. Everywhere and anywhere all at once.

From this sacred space I can recognize simple words like, "thank you," as golden nuggets worth treasuring for longer than the time it took to say it. And when I take walks at the dock by my house, I can recognize the sound of the water licking the shoreline as the sound of creation singing its story. And I can recognize the whisper of my Jesus when all I did was look up.

Yes, I looked up. And there. There flew three beautiful wild geese over-head.

Long-necked, and heading headlong to some place mother earth was calling them to. Watching, I whispered back a prayer in my heart, "Let me be as the wild geese, free, going wherever they've been called." And then, this poem was echoed to me, brought to the forefront of my mind:

You do not have to be good

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers,

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

wild geese | mary oliver

Gush. It was as if the wind beneath these birds in flight had drawn a breath from me and made me swoon, only to bring me to these beautiful beautiful words! This world lends itself to our imaginations. Let us create new worlds! Let us see this life as the wild geese see their's, in full view, where heaven's abundance and the earth's wealth meet and is close at our own hands. Let us find our place in the family of things as we let ourselves actually do what is turning and tossing in our hearts to do, understanding fully that despite what will come, we will always be at our apotheosis, at the height of things. Let it be so. And when it does, may it breathe a hallelujah.

A friend, at your typical soup and bread shop, in the middle of some conversation on God knows what, the words, "Forgetfulness is good. If we didn't forget, everything would be overwhelming." He said it quick, and so very nonchalant, as if he himself didn't understand the weightiness to his words, but I took this in.

While I can find myself thankful after having spent an hour revisiting memories, enjoying the beauty and sentiments of a moment's glory, there comes a lapse in time where whatever healing may have come from reminiscing, it turns on itself, and I become wounded.

And so, these days, instead of recollecting, I am practicing forgetfulness, letting what's past live only as pillars that shout, "Then, it was good! And now, now you are better! And after this? The 'more' you didn't know of!" And its been good, easy and easier all the time.

Eyes Wide Open

I love driving before the sun comes, when the sky shows lovely pinks and purples behind silhouettes of barren trees, and the morning fog is only beginning to lift, letting the sky hang just above my head. Heaven never seemed so close...

As of late, I've been feeling as if eternity is closing in on me, while expanding too inside, encircling without, and enlargening within.

Through the lulls I am graced with these seconds that feel like a little bit of heaven right before me, hedging me in, on every side, this eternity, and infiniteness coming to beckon me away from the meaningless of meaningless, a brush against my face from the hand of my Creator. The seconds of my day may go on fleeting, sure, but I'm increasingly more aware that these short moments have been purposed since forever, and on. He has set eternity in the hearts of men, says Ecclesiastes. And I've been leaning into these moments. These gifts. Looking and seeing.

These seconds look like this:

One morning, as I made my way to work, I pulled into a parking space, paused, and sat in my car for 30 seconds more than intended to, just because. And then, my eyes beheld a small, but bright, deep red against the blunt colors of winter. It was a winter cardinal fluttering about in the smallest wedge found between the bushes. Right in front of me. Only for my eyes to enjoy. Only for me. Time stood still in that moment.

Another second looked like:

End of the day. Around the bend of the sidewalk, I am walking a little one to his bus after school, and then: a squeeze of his hand into mine. Do you know what that did to me? It was like gripping the hem of Jesus's cloak-- a gesture of healing for me, as if something so kind slipped into my heart and spoke words so divine, so personal... words so good I must keep to myself, to preserve their sacredness.

And so, I am looking.

On a similar note, it's the first full week of December-- December, the last month of the year, the culmination of things past. And then, it is also Advent. A time of looking to the coming Christ, both in remembrance of, and also in the present longing that is before us, oh the coming King, I am looking for You, with eyes wide open, I am looking.

To everything there is a season,

a time for every purpose under heaven....

What profit has the worker from that in which he labors? I have seen the God-given task with which the sons of men are to be occupied. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no once can fathom the work that God does from beginning to end. | Ecclesiastes 3:1,9-11

Alleyways seem so dramatic; in a city that manifests the essence of hustle and bustle, such a space seems so curious... It's narrow and lingering, unknown, hidden from everything. They're by themselves. A little menacing yes, but the thought of it, to me, is a nice break from the boisterousness of this piece of earth. A place of solitude maybe? No. A place of quietness paired with harrowing suspense is more truthful. The contrast and harmony between restlessness and then stillness within the same context is really what I'm trying to get at! That. That is what I enjoy.

I passed by several alleyways this weekend as I ventured to the city of Richmond.

Conversations danced around: the transitions of life, & the worthiness of our pursuits

While we ate: gyros and fried oreos

Having: tea on hand as we thrifted good finds

Enjoying: street art and deserted train stations

Ryan rehashed what words of wisdom he shared with another and recalled it to me, saying, "You might think it's a step backwards, but it's not. It never could be, it's only a step forward from where you are. You're learning..."

I am learning to adjourn from life a little. Sometimes interruptions are necessary to become more present don't you think?

"cherish your solitude. take trains by yourself

to places you have never been. sleep out alone

under the stars. learn how to drive a stick shift.

go so far away that you stop being afraid of not

coming back. say no when you don't want to do

something. say yes if your instincts are strong, even

if everyone around you disagrees, decide whether

you want to be like or admired. decide if fitting in

is more important than finding out what you're doing here.

believe in kissing." | eve ensler

what good comes from failure

A beautiful essayist by the name of Brian Doyle described writing as a form of contemplation and a form of prayer. These words, taken from the tip of my tongue, couldn't be any more true. For me, at least. It helps me unburden myself. It's a house whose walls are made of words, of which, I feel a certain privacy to them, and then it is also a way of announcing to the world (a small world yes, but my world anyhow). It's my retreat, my wilderness, where my imaginations and my thoughts are free to run wild without the feeling that someone may not enjoy them as much as I do.

Nevertheless, it's becoming extremely important for me to write,

and more importantly, to chronicle my thoughts. Indulge me as I chronicle my stories, and what happens thereafter, will you?...

This past weekend my friends and I went to see this gift of a musician, David Bazan. It was such a good show with such good people, where the evening was filled with honest music and good conversations, where listening, if it was ever a chore for you, became something more of a pleasure and a rest. It was beautiful, a kiss of blessing I'd been needing, complete with a sweet pause, framed by these rich rich rich words: stability is a myth.

From there, whatever might have followed after, my mind couldn't stop tossing these four simple words. And even in the middle of the set, when an open forum was made out of a five minute break between songs, the conversation between audience and beloved artist echoed again those four words.

One question that was thrown out was, "Do you have any regrets within your career as a musician?" Such a weighty question that pulled and gathered much anticipation over his response. We wanted to know his journey, to be told that this gig is hard shit, but it's worth the labor. We wanted to be told that what desires, coupled with what is hard, is what gives the greatest satisfaction. Or maybe, quite possibly, what desires that are pursued wholeheartedly is what gives the greatest satisfaction, irrelevant of what hardships might come.

True. Stability, such is a myth. No life is safe from sorrow nor trial, or pain. And as a result of a year of being in a relationship, and it coming to an end, I'm understanding this a little more. (yes. I said it. and i'm making it public. I am no longer in a relationship. oh twenty-two years of always understanding a little more than just before, but never will I ever arrive at Understanding. Making sense of what is is a mystery unveiling ). I've been grieving, yes, and then I've been beholding some crazy silver line of a revelation. One that is completely freeing.

As a resolution to this failed relationship*, I am allowing myself one year to fail.

You heard me. I'm taking one year to fail. To fail miserably- of putting into action what dreams and concepts and ideals I've piled up for myself. I'm giving myself one year to be brave. There is much to be had in this world, and I want to be apart of it.

A muslim poet wrote, "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground." I heard a sermon once on the posture of worship that parrots this verse and leads me in a chorus. The man described worship as bowing low, kissing the dust, returning to the place from which we came from, dust. Because that place is where the origin of our intention was knit together. This is my exploit: returning to my origin as I let the beauty I love be what I do. This will be me, bowing low, and leading a life that no longer suppresses the woman I was made to be. No more suppressing my secret desires and dreams. No more. And if it takes a year to fail, then failing I will.

So as a start, I'm going on this journey of religiously chronicling and blogging every story that comes my way, most especially my failures, because friends, I'm living one hell of an adventure. Here's to vulnerability and confession! Here's to practicing a kind of honesty I hardly practice for fear of being found out!

Join me, please! And pray for me too! hahah I am walking into a season of experiential knowing. And I will be living to tell of it. Believe you me. It will be a long-winded, if not unending, thrill of experientially knowing the goodness and wildness of my God, who orchestrates and orders every chaos into a heap of ashes from which beauty is surely to sprout from. How does a good God do that?!

Jesus, hold me to this.

*I want to clarify: I wouldn't qualify my past relationship as a failure. It's been a thing of grace and mercy. I have been allowed to see more clearly where I am, and where I'm supposed to be, and likewise, he too sees this for himself incaseyouwerewondering

ps. Friends, logistically, I realize I've been a bit obscure as to how this year will pan out. And that's half the fun really. Details on the plans I'm scheming will be disclosed in up-coming posts!