Soon, me and my family will be heading across the country to spend Christmas with some family in California and then off to Missouri for the OneThing Conference. With temperatures reaching to Fahrenheits in the 70s in Cali, and then the 30s in Missouri, packing has been more tricky than usual, but still, so exciting!!

With all this snow here, our flight was canceled, but then rescheduled. As a result of all this shifting around in our schedules, the Good Lord made it possible for us to make it to a Night of Extravagant Worship lead by Sean Feucht and Burn Tidewater. What a great way to start off our winter break!

I just love the Lord and what He's doing!! My heart is so filled to the brim with much expectancy... Beautiful beautiful beautiful King, "as the heavens for height, and the earth for depth, so the heart of kings is unsearchable." Proverbs 25:3 Oh how we ready ourselves to plunge deep into these depths, into this hidden mystery!

Does this defeat the purpose of a blog? I write about a blog each week of which I usually never post... These blogs, that are never allowed to take up room on the internet, are usually on something that exposes a part of me of which I'm afraid to let the "public" read... so I'm contemplating of just sharing them.. maybe...I feel I should so as to make this commitment to an online journal legit.

ps. "He sets the lonely in families..." Palsm 68:6
I think if we could fully understand what good is, then saying, "He is so good," wouldn't be so cliche. It would be revelation illuminating revelation because His goodness... it's so good, and it penetrates every kind of darkness. Thank You Lord.

This one is a bit wordy, my apologies.

Time for my monthly blog! Still contemplating of posting a separate blog on what Holy Spirit is doing on my campus... we'll see, no promises.

I read somewhere that sound gives form to matter and that in the Biblical narrative of creation, God spoke words and creation began. All of creation was something He said. So as we are God's words walking around in God's words looking to encounter the Living Word through His written Word, I'm realizing that God loves language. He loves words that give birth to things, not empty ones that drop to the dust.

Lately, I've been making a more conscious effort to watch for the words around me that is in the natural realm which exposes His eternal realities, the words God speaks to create situations that whisper to us His mysteries. I caught a whisper of His the other day.

Last Wednesday we lost our dog. We've only had Clementine for over a year, and she's the only dog my family has ever had. That weekend prior to Wednesday, my friend Melissa came and stayed a night at my house after The Ascent Conference that we went to [I always believe that it's the fruit after a conference that makes the conference really beautiful. And this one was definitely a beaut. We'd also met some beautiful people who I hope me and my sibs can keep in touch with. So back to the word story...]. Melissa was telling me how Clementine looked depressed. At that moment I made myself a mental note to become more affectionate towards my Clem because I know I hadn't been the last couple months because I've been so busy, I hadn't cared. When Wednesday came around, I thought I'd lost my chance to give her a belly rub session. I was sad. But thankfully, Clementine was found, and joy entered my heart when she came through the door. =)

Meet Clementine.
photcred: melwren [http://heybigcity.blogspot.com]

I want to be found watching and waiting. When He comes, I want to feel the gladness in my heart that He felt when He watched for the prodigal son to come home. And if that measure of gladness is anything like what I felt when Clementine came home, I want that times ten thousand. I don't want to wait to spend my affections when it's too late. I don't want to feel guilt instead of gladness. To watch and wait involves my affections and I give them all to Him. Let us be found longing and ready.

"The key of the house of David I will lay on his shoulder; so he shall open, and no one shall shut; and he shall shut, and no one shall open. I will fasten him as a peg in a secure place, and he will become a glorious throne to his father's house. They will hang on him all the glory of his father's house, the offspring and the posterity, all vessels of small quantity, from the cups to all the pitchers." Isaiah 22:22-24

The Father of glory put His Son on display and on Him, the Father of glory hangs all glory. He sets Him to be a glorious throne in His House, and is sure to adorn Him with the reward of His suffering. That just as He has fastened the Son to be a peg on which all glory hangs, He would fasten on Him His reward.

And what's beautiful is that He chooses us to be the vessels for which He will display His glory to the ends of the earth, and he calls us to interact with the Man on which all glory hangs. He says, Christ in you, the hope of glory. Along with this revelation of the indwelling Christ that establishes greater channels of communion with the Father and Son, I'm learning that He has given to the watchmen the key of David, which is the key of intimacy. I can watch, and know who it is I watch for, because of the wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Jesus because He is Christ in me, the hope of glory, for which He enables me to commune with Him daily.

I say that the key of David was given to the watchmen because those who watch can't watch if they don't know who to watch for. It is my prayer that I be as one who makes my home in the place of intimacy, so I can recognize this GodMan when he returns. I want my heart burning in the watching and waiting. I want to be enslaved by the will of God that I could have what Paul speaks of, liberty. Let my daily bread become the scroll.

As I am writing this I realize these desires aren't new... they've been heard before, and prayed before. And though this quest is a yoke, it's a yoke of love, and because it's of love, it's easy too. I don't want the striving of my flesh to be the thing that propels me to reach the destination for this pilgrimage, but I want the stillness that leads me to the experiential knowledge of Christ.

This stillness He is beginning to lead me into is found in having no other attachment to the things and people of this world. They are not my home. Home is in the House of the Lord in which He stretched out His arms on Calvary to welcome me in. He is Home. And I want to be in Him and Him alone. Any other attachment to anything else deems itself as trivial and temporary. And I believe once I get to that place of taking comfort in His Home, I can really be at that place of stillness and rest because nothing else matters.



Alright, with all my ramblings aside, it's a Sunday afternoon and I smell garlic bread. Enough said. Hope you all have a great Sabbath!

Grace and Peace,
michelle

Desert Storm

"My lips are bleeding
From kissin you goodbye
From kissin you goodbye every night"
-Sondre Lerche, My Hands are Shaking

In reference to rva, it's been so bittersweet. I think I'm caught up in trying to say goodbye when I'm starting to think I don't have to... They are my extended family, ones who I can never say goodbye to, right?

This past week, it was my fall break, the best fall break for me ever. I visited old friends and I got to have my dose of deja vou biking down memory lane, literally, from my old house onto campus in the fall breeze. I even found myself wishing I had my fluorescent pink glittens like days of old...I have such an affinity towards this place and to these faces. Ha, it's crazy how you can feel like you can pick up where you left off, and simultaneously have the understanding that things are never the same.

I also got to visit my sister at her school and have some quality time with her. It was so refreshing to be able to talk with someone who can feel the way I do, who mourns with me, and laughs with me. Sometimes I think I'm trying to live vicariously through her since she's living out the college life at a university away from home... but i don't know..

So walking through all of these things these past few days I feel as if I had awaken memories I'd forgotten, it's the whole "out of sight, out of mind," kind of syndrome, now being reversed, "in sight, in mind." I'm being reminded of what I've missed, what I've sort of abandoned.

The Merry Monk said it so well when he wrote:

"God is Home. To me, he is the ultimate expression of what I call “home.”
I only experience the scent or echoes of Home in my family and friends…my home. Most of the time I’m longing for love, intimacy, security and permanence…Home. My hope and your hope is that one day God will welcome us fully into himself…Home."

How I am finding this to be so true!!! Home. Being here, I've been feeling this placelessness, like that of an orphan... and this Home found in Jesus is really my only comfort besides the friendship I find in my amazing brother.

So in regards to my visit, it reawakened the feelings of being at home so robust that I am beginning to look at the wilderness that I'm in so differently. This whole season is so mirrored in the scriptures of Abraham, Moses, the apostles, and within the picture of the church and the bridegroom. The image embodied by each of these stories is best identified by the word "abandonment." Abraham left his own country to follow the leadings of the Spirit. Moses abandoned his royal authority and went to the desert. The apostles dropped their trade. And the Bride leaves her father's house to become one flesh with the Bridegroom.

I forget that abandoning everything is actually painful. It is suffering. The wilderness is supposed to be both bitter and sweet, most definitely. "For He has torn, but He will heal us; He has stricken, but He will bind us up." Hosea 6:1 And for a while I was trying my best not to feel the pain in this kind of suffering.

Reflecting on all of this, I am almost convinced that Jesus's entire life lived on this earth was His own wilderness, His own abandonment, and that He died alone on that cross because He wanted to rid this world of the sin of loneliness (aka separation from God), and yet He allows us to dwell in seasons of loneliness in order that we can model the essence of brokenness (which is the language of beauty from His view). Broken things are meant to offer up a sweet fragrance of sacrifice. And feeling pain, to lament and travail, and to suffer makes us more human. This facet of every man's humanity is supposed to, in part, embody the sufferings of Christ, in this we can share in His sufferings. haha it's this suffering that makes us so much more human, and consequently more like Christ. It makes us a friend to God.

Along with this suffering, I have been confronted by the opposing reality of the closing impartation many of the New Testament writers closed their letters with, this "Grace and Peace." Grace to walk with devotion, and peace to understand we will fail, though failure is something everyone wants to avoid. And it's this peace that comes out of the revelation of who He is. He is transcendent, the righteous Judge who loves mercy, and lovingkindness.

Suffering, and Grace and Peace?? Can these coexist? Yes, I call it the "whirlwind effect." It's tumultuous and violent all around you, and yet He keeps us in sight, in the eye of it, the only place at rest. It's the cloud by day and fire by night. This wilderness is rejoicing in the grace that he offers us, and yet going through the heat of the desert to give Him what He rightfully deserves. Oh how He rightly deserves all of me!



***I apologize for how unlinear my thought-processes are. I'm thinking I should probably blog more often so that I don't have to do a dump every month or so and risk the chances of not being cohesive.

This morning I woke up before the sun.

I woke up before the sun and listened to some very poetic music as it was rising. And I'm discovering just how beautiful creativity is. It's a phenomenon how humans have this God-given ability to imagine and feel....

This past month has been really different, almost like I'm living another life other than the one that I've lived these past two years. I must be honest, I wasn't sure how I felt about moving back home. All I know is that I, if anything, have been feeling a bit discontent, unsatisfied.

This past summer at my internship I learned about having a rhythm of life, and how in a perfect and steady rhythm, there's a freedom. Some people perceive freedom as being unstructured, and to it's extreme, you could say it's chaotic. In regards to this concept of freedom, I can't help but think about how artist Linnea Spransy thinks of it, she says extreme freedom is formless potential. What good is potential if it is not being harnessed and guided? In relation to my own life, there's a potential to live a life completely given to Him, but without structure there can't be any birth to anything really tangibly incredible, without mixture and wholehearted. There's something about having a rhythm of life, this structure, it's self-discipline, and restraint; it's making the choice to die to yourself. And there, that's freedom in it's good form. Freedom within structure, built on undying love. It's a beautiful thing.

Back to feeling unsatisfied... So in my attempts to create structure, nothing was really solidifying in my day to day life. My rhythm would always get thrown off. So more and more I felt disappointed in myself. I wondered if weak love could be extravagant love. Out of this came the realization that my weak love is still love to God. In fact, he does find it extravagant. The little that we offer is okay. And when I find times spent with Him feeling empty and pointless, I'm getting the revelation that it's that way, not because He's withholding something from me, nor is it supposed to be my own attempt in trying to attain something from God, but because He just gives according to what I need. What I have, is what I have, and it's enough because it's God who brings encounter and revelation. It has nothing to do with my attempts at getting a hold of it. My God is a good Father, and it's always in my best interest when He chooses to unveil Himself or not. So whether He hides behind the lattice, or He gives me a piece of shekinah glory, I'm at rest because He gives me what I need in every moment. I'm not missing out on anything. =)

And yet it's this crazy paradox that while I can rest knowing I have all I need, there's a pull to press in for more, to be in pursuit of the greatest treasure that doesn't rust and isn't destroyed. It's the paradox that is defined by longsuffering. It's patient and yet it bears long and perseveres. I'm learning this.

And now I feel as if I can finally enjoy this season that I'm in. Gleaning from the fellowship of others these past few months, I'm understanding more fully that I'm walking into the story to which Christ has written me into existence, the story He's been, He has, and He will be unfolding on the earth. 2 Corinthians 3:2-3 says,

"You are our epistle written in our hearts, known and read by all men; clearly you are an epistle of Christ, ministered by us, written not with ink but by the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of flesh, that is, of the heart."

He has written us into existence, out of His dream, and out of His heart. We are the fruit of His imagination, the expression of His dreams. A blog I stumbled upon just yesterday was talking about how John the Baptist declared himself as a mere stagehand, and that is what I'd too like to liken myself in this drama. The same blogger writes how it's his desire to continually walk into the fullness of His Story. I second that. I want to be fully involved in this story, fully available. So here I am, in longsuffering, in this creative story.