On Being and Doing

It is 4:17 in the morning.

Already a month into this summer, and so much has happened. I always feel like I experience much, but have very few words to articulate them. I shall attempt to divulge anyhow.

The past week I've been storming through my room, getting rid of all the things I've accumulated in the past 7 years. I found an assortment of old shirts, one including a top that had Alcatraz written on the front. How bizarre is that? What in the entire nation?! What young girl would want a shirt with the name of a place infamous for imprisonment and excommunication stamped on it?? Not I. I don't think I've ever worn it.

It tickled me to find little notes I'd written to myself sprawled on the margins of my many spiral-bound notebooks I've kept since my freshman year of college. They were embarrassing, encouraging, inspiring, silly... child-like. One read, "Jesus is in love with you," written with a pink marker and a rainbow drawn behind it. The only thing missing from it were unicorns.

It humbled me to say the least, as it gave me a more accurate perspective of my walk with the Lord these past few years. After being able to read through my old journals, and through all the pithy scribbles, a much predicted nostalgia came over me.

While most of my writings were comprised of bad theology, it didn't matter, it still produced in me an awe at the unadulterated zeal I carried in Christ Jesus.

And so, I am left longing to be recaptured by the Uncreated One again, to be drawn away and wooed. I am not talking about mere emotions of bliss and butterflies, but about the glances that become a gaze. It is a selah of sorts, to which the longing to be conquered by the Lover of my soul has stilled my busyness. Oh to be won over again and again! And oh to be reawakened to the scriptures that read, "For your Maker is your Husband - the Lord Almighty is His name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, He is called the God of all the earth." Isaiah 54:5 Friends, I am quite smitten by this God.

In refocusing my affections on Jesus I've made efforts to do life a little bit differently than I have been. Many of us have heard the coined phrase, "We are human beings, not human doings." So cleverly thought of, and yet I think since the beginnings of humanity, we have been in the habit of compartmentalizing every facet of our lives, including the simple activities of being and doing. I realize though, if I were to separate the two, then I would be depriving myself of a holistic life that Jesus desires for me. I will even go so far as to say that it is imperative to do away with this particular distinction in order to live a life that embodies the one that Christ intended for us.

Stanely Hauerwas lectured on a similar theme about a month ago when I was in Pasadena, CA. Hauerwas explained that when one makes a habit out of an activity, one is not removed from the character of the activity itself, therefore, if the habit you are participating in is virtuous, you become virtuous. It's transforming. This is doing affecting being. On the other side of the coin, Hauerwas described that it is our own principles, desires, and virtue that affects the activities that we engage in - this time it is being affecting doing. The thing I gathered from this was that our being and doing are two parts of a whole, both interdependent on each other.

In Weight of Glory, C.S. Lewis points out a similar compartmentalization and calls for the same interdependence of sorts. Dealing with the differences between the sacred and the secular he writes, "All our merely natural activities will be accepted, if they are offered to God, even the humblest, and all of them, even the noblest, will be sinful if they are not. Christianity does not simply replace our natural life and substitute a new one; it is rather a new organisation which exploits, to its own supernatural ends, these natural materials." (my own emphasis included) He argues that it is not the activity we are engaging in that determines whether an activity is spiritual, but rather, it is the invitation to Christ to join us in our doing that makes our activity sacred. We are most definitely both physical and spiritual beings, and to invite Jesus into our doing allows us to settle into the very spiritual nature of our being. Practicing this is practicing a life of sacraments - the activity of God being present in our own activities.

This interdependence plays into the labor I offer as I serve those around me. There's an art to this, a discipline if you will. Too often I get into cycles where I am serving others because they asked me to, instead of letting my doing be an expression of my care for them. The emphasis here is the work I am producing, rather than my Person who is carrying out the certain deed. Viewing my service to others this way becomes detrimental as it puts value on my works rather than on who I am. A life lived like this begets a life lived after rewards. However, if my doing was no longer separated from my being, I would be doing away with my services being matters of my own worth, and restoring dignity to the human soul.

Before expounding on the restoration of the human soul, I must state that it is only by the grace of God that we have the means to serve anyone. Jesus is the full expression of the Father, He does as His Father wills. Friends, we are the expression of Jesus on the earth. For any person to serve another, that is a miracle, and it is by this Jesus we can. In light of the Person of Jesus who lives in us (John 14:20 "...I am in my Father, and you are in Me, and I am in you."), I give myself no credit if I produce anything good. I am merely the branch that carry's His fruit.

By living a life that practices doing and being simultaneously, we are restoring the kind of integrity Jesus calls us to, as He Himself embodies this too well. He did not come to solely bless us, but He gave us His Personhood. In this way, we are honoring God's Person in us and through us, not just His Divinity. This is what restores dignity to the human soul, by living in such a way that no longer puts worth on what we have done, but gives value to only One who is worthy, this God who we believe lives in us.

Thomas Merton wrote, "God is asking me, the unworthy, to forget about my worthiness and that of my brothers, and dare advance in the love which has redeemed and renewed us all in God's likeness. And to laugh, after all, at the preposterous idea of "worthi-ness." I know more clearly what he means by this.

My labor is now no longer a mere service, but it translates into something that is truly sacrificial, a true work of the Lord. My services are instead an offering of my very being. Yes, in the words of F. Buechner, we are called to be food and drink for one another. Let us be as Paul who, the scriptures say, poured himself out like a drink offering.

So. This is my new mantra: I honor the Lord who works through me, and the Lord who rests in you, restoring dignity.

Namaste in the Name of Jesus my beloveds.

Jesus, we invite you now. Amen.

On a much lighter note, here are some photos of my summer this far!

This guy comes home in 2 days.

I spent some time in RVA with Melissa and Carra, my favorites.

Look at that face!

Uh oh! Criminal behavior in cville!

Check this beauty out (yay for twinner)

Petting the horse. (as seen in photo)

This Good Friday

On this Good Friday, I am being still. (I am) painting in order to express something without words, and letting myself let go from all the dizzying thoughts on theology and scripture.

Sunday comes Easter, and here I meditate on the death of my God. If my God broke His own body and let Himself die, so to produce within Him a greater Life for all, how now then should I live?

Lately, I've been so consumed with being joined together in the likeness of His death (Romans 6:5). Things have been swirling around me this past week or so. Things that involve figuring out what comes next after I graduate in exactly two weeks, rearranging my thoughts on certain scriptures, and having to soon say a goodbye to some people as I leave this place in my my life. All these things are building up, and I just want the fears and anxieties that come along with them to die. Please die, die with Christ, so I can be raised in His Resurrection.

I am realizing I cannot stop the storms of life, but I can bring my Jesus into the picture. By doing so, He offers a stillness as I am knowing He is God. When I try to pay attention to what the Lord is doing in my life, and my understanding falls so short, I feel frustrated and sometimes so annoyed. To that, my Jesus speaks to me. haha He speaks to me!

C.S. Lewis described in Weight of Glory, in regards to academia, that it is not 'our knowing' that should become our focus, but 'what is being known'. I think this can be applied to my life presently. In my own attempts at figuring out the work He is doing in me, I am coming to terms that what is being known is more important. Oh joy! He is making Himself known in me!

Good Friday, you became Saturday...and Sunday is coming!

That's right. Death has no dominion, and this swirl of worry and fear, it holds no power over me. I want to live in the way of Death and Resurrection, being made fully alive in Him.

Jesus, I celebrate You in me.

Just a little thank you note

I'm sick and in bed. Feb 8. 8 things:

1. Journals, thank you for helping me remember again

2. Old saved letters, thank you for preserving the magic within a moment

3. Bed, your awesome for being such a comfort to me today

4. CapriSun, whoever designed you, I'm impressed, you're great for when lying in bed

5. Clementine, I think you farted a couple times while laying here with me.. thanks for the wonderful odors. NOT.

6. Dear Jesus, thank you for making me me. Eternally grateful.

7. Spring break, you're coming soon, I'm excited, I get to see my twinzie soonzies

8. March 18, you have the honor of being the day a certain somebody comes home, for that I am thankful

Adventure

It's a friday night and I stayed in. Listening to Beirut, eating chocolate cookies, and on my way to finishing up my thoughts on this thing called Adventure.

The past few weeks have been spent looking at grad schools and getting things together last minute for grad applications. Life is becoming more focused, more serious. All this anxiety has left me waking up with back aches and dry eyes from leaving in my contacts all night, it's given way to sleepless nights, and having to catch my breath as I feel my heart beating a hundred times a minute.

While Jesus takes me from my worries and brings me to His feet, I find myself in the midst of people, songs, and conversations centered around this reality of adventure.

The more I enter into the freedom of choosing, and letting my life take its shape, the more the Lord has been revealing to me how sinful it is to live otherwise. I was made for adventure. And we are to live wholly the way we were made, because if not, we are compromising the image of God in us. We are defacing our divine design.

Speaking of defacing, I stumbled on a friend's blog the other day and found a photograph of graffiti sprayed across a building. Its words formed the sentence, "Everyday we live under the violence of normalcy."

How true is this? I heard a story once that models this kind of violence pretty well. There was a Bear. This Bear was taken in captivity for a number of years and put in a cage. Every single day, the Bear would walk along the edge of its cage in a square. When he was finally released into the wilderness, he kept walking in a square, as if he was still confined by his cage.

We are just like this! Our vision is so short, and we cannot see past our nose! We are blind to the freedoms we do have, and our lack of imagination and dreaming have caused us to be bound by our own set of rules and boundaries. We trap ourselves under the systems of this world, governed by our own comforts and our false sense of security.

Howard Macy writes, "The Spiritual Life cannot be made suburban. It is always frontier, and we who live in it must accept and even rejoice that it remains untamed." It is an act of holy rebellion to break the mold we have set up for ourselves. I think we guide our lives by other people's expectations and societal norms, instead of paying attention to what actually makes us come fully alive.

There is a greater story to walk into, a destiny that involves "stepping into the current of God's will," as a certain Mister Aaron put it. Everyone has been uniquely designed and wired, and there's a way to marry that with your life's pursuits.

May I live a life that rebels against the expectations of others, and restores the image of God in me. I pray that I may fully submit to the Lord's will so that I may experience a greater freedom, so to get caught in the wind of His Spirit. Like a leaf, I will go where Your wind leads me. Give me grace to do this Jesus. And let me live with peculiarity, so that I may bring glory to the God who has marked me. In the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, Amen and Amen.

the in-between.

"I love people. Everybody. I love them, I think, as a stamp collector loves his collection. Every story, every incident, every bit of conversation is raw material for me. My loves not impersonal yet not wholly subjective either. I would like to be everyone, a cripple, a dying man, a whore, and then come back to write about my thoughts , my emotions as that person. But I am not omniscient. I have to live my life, and it is the only one I'll ever have. And you cannot regard your own life with objective curiosity all the time..." -SYLVIA PLATH (from the unabridged journals of sylvia plath)

One of my favorite things to do is to write down other people's thoughts...It's like being in someone else's shoes-- I'm thinking the thoughts they were once thinking. And yet, my perspective is still distinctly different, and I am placed in between my thoughts and theirs. Nonetheless, I love being welcomed into this mystery of finding where in the core of their being, where their thoughts come from. Alas, I never know if I make sense. I do know thatAbba's thoughts are higher than mine, and "as the heavens for height and the earth for depth, so the heart of kings is unsearchable" [Proverbs 25:3]. His depths are unfathomable, but He invites me to search Him, and promises me that He would let Himself be found.

Returning to the idea of "in-between," I enjoy that place, it makes things exciting and at the same time terrifying. Exciting because I'm anticipating what's next, but also terrifying because it causes me to lean. And isn't that exactly what Jesus calls us to? haha

On other things... here is a peek into my life currently:

this is fall.

a certain Somebody took me rowing in a boat.

Revelation of the week: It is a miracle for people to love.