This was an old blog I wrote probably 3 months (May 9th to be exact) ago I never posted but I feel like it's so relevant to the mix of emotions I'm feeling now. So here it goes, enjoy as I bear my heart with you all =)
I behold the eyes of a King. They burn like a fire with desire, desire!
Lately the LORD has been laying a desire on my heart for humility. To be in a place to serve Him as my Husband. Ah, being wrecked by being brought low...it's painful sometimes. And it's a desire for humility not because it's what we're called to do, but because I've been gripped by love. It's not a front, it's not insincere, nothing false. He's shown me that to the humble, He teaches them His ways, and He's allowed me to see it in other people clearly [and it's so beautiful]. In these last few months I've seen the LORD convicting me by showing me that I do not have humility, and I want it. I want it bad. It's this humility that puts me in a place where He enlarges my heart to carry more... Ah, break me down God. Break me, that I'd completely lean on you.
There's a scripture that describes this conviction very well:
Ezekiel 16:14- 16
And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign LORD. " 'But you trusted in your beauty and used your fame to become a prostitute. You lavished your favors on anyone who passed by and your beauty became his. You took some of your garments to make gaudy high places, where you carried on your prostitution. Such things should not happen, nor should they ever occur."
Ezekiel talks about Israel as she begins to trust in her own beauty. And as I was worshiping last night at the prayer furnace, He gave me this picture of a woman and her Husband who is a King. This woman was spotless, without blemish. She had the full attire of a Queen, one who had been endowed with honor and beauty. In this picture, I saw her latched onto the arm of her King, but the thing about all of it was that while the King stood there with all majesty and meekness, she, being the exuberant wife she was, wore the most extravagant smile ever, waving to everyone who was around, as if she was with a celebrity. She acted as if she had owned him, and that His Kingship made her a celebrity as well. Her eyes were fixed on those looking at her. But that is not love, for love does not boast. It isn't proud. Love keeps eyes on the Lover. And as I saw this picture, the LORD spoke to my heart. He told me that this was a picture of me and what I've been doing all along... I've lost my attention from His gaze, and I've turned them to those around me. It's when I begin to compare myself and covet other things that I become a harlot who trusts in her own beauty. It's when I ask to walk in the gifts out of the intentions to be some amazing woman of God is when I begin to be what Ezekiel 16 talks about. I was not meant to hold Him up as a trophy but to literally hide myself in Him; to not only glance, but to gaze into His eyes; to look with wonder and awe at the most Wonderful One; to go into the reservoir of who He is and honor Him in being hid with Christ. Taking His Name is not for me to become famous with Him, but to make all the more His Name famous. It's for Him to simply enjoy me because I now am His, I've taken His Name! This is humility in love: to be so fascinated by His love and who He is that we begin to honor Him by hiding ourselves in Him. And out of that comes an adoration that is enough to move us to abide, obey, and surrender. Leaving no room in my heart for myself enlarges the tents for more room for more of Him.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Word, The Dubs...
Wow. The same wisdom that created both the heavens and the earth is the same wisdom He offers to us. And it's in that same wisdom that we can create with Him the impossibilities into existence... Oh the infinite possibilities of new languages that haven't been spoken before, colors we haven't seen before, sounds that haven't been heard before, and mysteries that haven't been uttered before. I was reading my journal today and I found notes from the 24-7 National Gathering in Minnesota (a gathering that I keep drawing back to... it was that rich). What I had wrriten from when Linnea Gabriella Spransy spoke was completely relevant to this little nugget of truth on 'Wisdom and the ability to create' that I've been soaking in . She mentioned that Wisdom, really, is the personification of Jesus. God spoke the heavens and the earth into existence by Wisdom, who is also the Word. "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made." (John 1:1-3) And I love that. Essentially, He created us in His image with the ability to create by Wisdom, through Jesus. It's through even encounter with this Godman that we can create and make.
This is probably why I love the artists, the philosophers, the musicians, the thinkers, the hermits, the inventors, and the revolutionaries. They seem to have great ambitions to not only dream, but to bring these dreams into fruition. These are ones who find it not enough to simply be fascinated, but they're willing to explore, discover, and relentlessly pursue the answers to their questions without convenience. Oh how my wisdom and knowledge, and small fascinations are so finite in light of their's! They are the innovators who create and therefore mirror the Creator, a peculiar people who have laid hold of Wisdom and are moving in the mantle of His image-bearers. For some time, I never liked these titles, or to ever be under these labels. But these are roles that I believe God desires for us to walk into... or at least the heart and spirit that the artists, musicians, thinkers, ect. bear. It's the heart and spirit of restless pursuit until they've captured what speaks to their depravity, until they've encountered Wisdom. I want that. And yes, some of these artists, philosophers, thinkers, revolutionaries are ones to encounter false wisdom, but those who've caught the real Wisdom, who create with Him, I want what they have...
It pains me that I don't think I have that. I see my brothers and my sisters who wholeheartedly love Jesus, who carry Wisdom. And it's this wisdom and revelation that I see the Lord moving in them to create a beauty out of their lives authored by Wisdom. Ah! How there's an aching longing in my heart to walk in the spirit of pursuit, to create with Wisdom and revelation something beautiful.
In my longing to be changed from glory to glory, I'm seeing that becoming a storehouse of wisdom and revelation is something that takes cultivating.. it's not easy, it's a pursuit. It means study and discipline. But at the exact same time, it's knowing that though we take on the task of pursuing it, He gives it. He does the increase in every thing that takes cultivating. So I'm reminding myself that I do not need to strive, and that the deeper one goes into depth, the more they become nothing, and the more you become nothing, the more you realize you know nothing. Is that my end goal? No. My goal is to know Jesus that I could honor Him by creating with Him something delightfully beautiful.
........I guess that's what I'm really longing for... beauty. A secret garden, a secret beauty. Nothing fake, or something formed in an outward way, no cloak of disguise to cover up the shallow that's hiding underneath the skin. And I want a steadfastness to pursue Beauty for and by Wisdom, so that I might be the Bride who looks like Him. I want to pursue His purposes for which He made me, to walk in the mantle He's given me to create sacrifices of praise with my life, my art, my music, my inventive imagination, my dreams, my time, my discipline, ect to enter in, to encounter with the Word, to have Wisdom, to create something unimaginable.
This is probably why I love the artists, the philosophers, the musicians, the thinkers, the hermits, the inventors, and the revolutionaries. They seem to have great ambitions to not only dream, but to bring these dreams into fruition. These are ones who find it not enough to simply be fascinated, but they're willing to explore, discover, and relentlessly pursue the answers to their questions without convenience. Oh how my wisdom and knowledge, and small fascinations are so finite in light of their's! They are the innovators who create and therefore mirror the Creator, a peculiar people who have laid hold of Wisdom and are moving in the mantle of His image-bearers. For some time, I never liked these titles, or to ever be under these labels. But these are roles that I believe God desires for us to walk into... or at least the heart and spirit that the artists, musicians, thinkers, ect. bear. It's the heart and spirit of restless pursuit until they've captured what speaks to their depravity, until they've encountered Wisdom. I want that. And yes, some of these artists, philosophers, thinkers, revolutionaries are ones to encounter false wisdom, but those who've caught the real Wisdom, who create with Him, I want what they have...
It pains me that I don't think I have that. I see my brothers and my sisters who wholeheartedly love Jesus, who carry Wisdom. And it's this wisdom and revelation that I see the Lord moving in them to create a beauty out of their lives authored by Wisdom. Ah! How there's an aching longing in my heart to walk in the spirit of pursuit, to create with Wisdom and revelation something beautiful.
In my longing to be changed from glory to glory, I'm seeing that becoming a storehouse of wisdom and revelation is something that takes cultivating.. it's not easy, it's a pursuit. It means study and discipline. But at the exact same time, it's knowing that though we take on the task of pursuing it, He gives it. He does the increase in every thing that takes cultivating. So I'm reminding myself that I do not need to strive, and that the deeper one goes into depth, the more they become nothing, and the more you become nothing, the more you realize you know nothing. Is that my end goal? No. My goal is to know Jesus that I could honor Him by creating with Him something delightfully beautiful.
........I guess that's what I'm really longing for... beauty. A secret garden, a secret beauty. Nothing fake, or something formed in an outward way, no cloak of disguise to cover up the shallow that's hiding underneath the skin. And I want a steadfastness to pursue Beauty for and by Wisdom, so that I might be the Bride who looks like Him. I want to pursue His purposes for which He made me, to walk in the mantle He's given me to create sacrifices of praise with my life, my art, my music, my inventive imagination, my dreams, my time, my discipline, ect to enter in, to encounter with the Word, to have Wisdom, to create something unimaginable.
Friday, June 19, 2009
A Post on being Shaken.
I saw the Lord sitting on a throne, high and lifted up, and the train of His robe filled the temple. [The] seraphim... cried to another and said:
“Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of hosts;
The whole earth is full of His glory!”
And the posts of the door were shaken by the voice of him who cried out, and the house was filled with smoke. So I said:
“Woe is me, for I am undone!
Because I am a man of unclean lips,
And I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips;
For my eyes have seen the King,
The LORD of hosts.”
God is a God of shaking. He shakes the foundations of things so that He can be the only thing that holds us. At the proclamation of His Holiness, nothing can stand. The foundations of our bodily frames are shaken just as the posts of the doors were shaken. Before Him there must be a shaking of the things that are not of Him to fall to the ground, and bow, and for the things that can't be shaken, they will remain.If it was the seraphim whose voice shook the post of the door, how much the Voice of the Lord??
How I know this shaking very well. Coming to terms of transferring to another school and leaving my rva family, I have realized that in many ways I have married rva. And because I saw this "marriage" as such a blessing, I could not understand why God would want me to divorce it. Divorce is not a thing of the LORD, right? ...I left my home to marry rva only finding out later that I was to marry this Godman named Jesus. Go figure. My foundations have been shaken.
So now I'm divorcing rva and am being betrothed in this wilderness... and He's softened my heart and put me in a place of realizing that pursuit of any other thing is meaningless. When your heart becomes buried in the heart of the Father, you begin to realize that nothing else matters. absolutely nothing. He is my exceedingly great reward. And if I were to live one thousand days of dryness for one day in His courts, one moment of nearness with the Lord, it would be worth it. He suffered and died a death and is alive, and calls me the reward of His suffering. He says we are His portion!! Whhhaaat???? God, you are worthy!
there is so. much. more. I want to share, but this just has t be it for now because I gots to go. go. go.
“Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of hosts;
The whole earth is full of His glory!”
And the posts of the door were shaken by the voice of him who cried out, and the house was filled with smoke. So I said:
“Woe is me, for I am undone!
Because I am a man of unclean lips,
And I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips;
For my eyes have seen the King,
The LORD of hosts.”
God is a God of shaking. He shakes the foundations of things so that He can be the only thing that holds us. At the proclamation of His Holiness, nothing can stand. The foundations of our bodily frames are shaken just as the posts of the doors were shaken. Before Him there must be a shaking of the things that are not of Him to fall to the ground, and bow, and for the things that can't be shaken, they will remain.If it was the seraphim whose voice shook the post of the door, how much the Voice of the Lord??
How I know this shaking very well. Coming to terms of transferring to another school and leaving my rva family, I have realized that in many ways I have married rva. And because I saw this "marriage" as such a blessing, I could not understand why God would want me to divorce it. Divorce is not a thing of the LORD, right? ...I left my home to marry rva only finding out later that I was to marry this Godman named Jesus. Go figure. My foundations have been shaken.
So now I'm divorcing rva and am being betrothed in this wilderness... and He's softened my heart and put me in a place of realizing that pursuit of any other thing is meaningless. When your heart becomes buried in the heart of the Father, you begin to realize that nothing else matters. absolutely nothing. He is my exceedingly great reward. And if I were to live one thousand days of dryness for one day in His courts, one moment of nearness with the Lord, it would be worth it. He suffered and died a death and is alive, and calls me the reward of His suffering. He says we are His portion!! Whhhaaat???? God, you are worthy!
there is so. much. more. I want to share, but this just has t be it for now because I gots to go. go. go.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Water Fountains
Oh the Fountain of Living Waters!
Today I was able to get out of class early and so I decided to go walk around just pray before our noon prayer meeting at the compass. And I was led to this fountain of water. As I sat there the LORD led me to this verse:
"Give unto the LORD, O you mighty ones,
Give unto the LORD glory and strength.
Give unto the LORD the glory due to His name;
Worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness.
The voice of the LORD is over the waters;
The God of glory thunders;
The LORD is over many waters.
The voice of the LORD is powerful;
The voice of the LORD is full of majesty."
As I sat there soaking in these few verses, I realized that the fountain of water that I sat before was making pit-pattering noises. And at that point I laughed inside. His voice is louder than the quiet waters, and even when there seems to be a waterfall of noise coming down on us, His voice is ever so louder than even that. His voice thunders! If only I could just be still and listen in. I want to hear Him. No more monologues, I want conversation.
Oh this One who is Holy is so beautiful! BEAUTIFUL! These living waters satisfy, these waters of complete pleasure, these waters where I can hear Him above all is where I want to be.
Today I was able to get out of class early and so I decided to go walk around just pray before our noon prayer meeting at the compass. And I was led to this fountain of water. As I sat there the LORD led me to this verse:
"Give unto the LORD, O you mighty ones,
Give unto the LORD glory and strength.
Give unto the LORD the glory due to His name;
Worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness.
The voice of the LORD is over the waters;
The God of glory thunders;
The LORD is over many waters.
The voice of the LORD is powerful;
The voice of the LORD is full of majesty."
As I sat there soaking in these few verses, I realized that the fountain of water that I sat before was making pit-pattering noises. And at that point I laughed inside. His voice is louder than the quiet waters, and even when there seems to be a waterfall of noise coming down on us, His voice is ever so louder than even that. His voice thunders! If only I could just be still and listen in. I want to hear Him. No more monologues, I want conversation.
Oh this One who is Holy is so beautiful! BEAUTIFUL! These living waters satisfy, these waters of complete pleasure, these waters where I can hear Him above all is where I want to be.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Beholding The Everything
[I wrote this blog a few days ago and wasn't sure if I should post it. But I've just realized that this blog is such a paradigm to the blog written on January 30th, 2009.. haha from nothing to everything.]
The LORD has been speaking to me so much about Him being my everything. One sweet thing about having Christ is that when we come to Him, we come to Him having nothing, and yet in Him, we possess all things. He's our Portion. I've heard that prayed many times, and I don't think I've come to a full understanding and revelation of what that means. And that means that He's enough. He's enough for all my longings and desires, He is. When it comes to all of life's little blessings that are temporary, He's called me to be completely satisfied and content, to set eyes after eternal things, not this temporary stuff.
Right now, I'm actually sitting here in my backyard.. in my Dad's garden beholding (literally).... how appropriate heh heh. I'm in his garden and in his company [this so makes my heart smile, my Dad is so handsome].
So now that I've sat down and taken a look at the little things God does to entertain our fancy, like seeing the clouds part, the skies turn pink, and the butterflies chase each other, I'm completely enthralled at His beauty. Beholding The Beautiful One, and allowing myself to be satisfied in Him is incredibly freeing. It's a rest. I hear Him say, "It's okay... delight in Me." The other night, I was talking to a dear dear friend and spiritual mother, and she was talking to me about this very thing. To be content with Who He is. And as I search my heart, I ask myself, "Who and what is my delight? What delights me?? Why do I covet the things I covet when I have everything, when I've captured the very heart of the Creator of this Universe??" I have everything!!! =DDD
The LORD has been speaking to me so much about Him being my everything. One sweet thing about having Christ is that when we come to Him, we come to Him having nothing, and yet in Him, we possess all things. He's our Portion. I've heard that prayed many times, and I don't think I've come to a full understanding and revelation of what that means. And that means that He's enough. He's enough for all my longings and desires, He is. When it comes to all of life's little blessings that are temporary, He's called me to be completely satisfied and content, to set eyes after eternal things, not this temporary stuff.
Right now, I'm actually sitting here in my backyard.. in my Dad's garden beholding (literally).... how appropriate heh heh. I'm in his garden and in his company [this so makes my heart smile, my Dad is so handsome].
So now that I've sat down and taken a look at the little things God does to entertain our fancy, like seeing the clouds part, the skies turn pink, and the butterflies chase each other, I'm completely enthralled at His beauty. Beholding The Beautiful One, and allowing myself to be satisfied in Him is incredibly freeing. It's a rest. I hear Him say, "It's okay... delight in Me." The other night, I was talking to a dear dear friend and spiritual mother, and she was talking to me about this very thing. To be content with Who He is. And as I search my heart, I ask myself, "Who and what is my delight? What delights me?? Why do I covet the things I covet when I have everything, when I've captured the very heart of the Creator of this Universe??" I have everything!!! =DDD
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